aaaaand sick.

Welp, last night I slept for two and a half hours. From about 10:30 to 1:00. I’ve been up since then. Three hours in two nights is not enough, I’m running on fumes, here. Weirdly, the first part of today was not too bad. In fact, it was kind of good. I was tired, but actually managed to leave the house for the first time in many days. I even put on mascara and a bra–which is kind of a big deal considering how much of a recluse I’ve been lately. Granted, I have mono, so I’ve been taking it easy on purpose. I had to take incompletes for both my summer classes because of it. Sucks. But yeah, anyway, I left the house today and ran some errands with my mom (I’m actually staying at her house right now; she’s been taking care of me while I’m sick) and went to Starbucks. I felt positive. It started raining buckets despite the heat, and I remember feeling rejuvenated and refreshed by the feeling and smell of rain. I also felt particularly at ease interacting with people today–I even smiled at some random person I passed at the store, which I’m pretty sure I rarely do. I was very talkative, cracked jokes, and was even feeling well enough to drive, despite being so tired that I was probably as good as drunk–but I did okay. Once we got home, everything kind of went to shit. I started feeling really, really cold despite the heat, and really weak. I took a hot bath but it didn’t really help, I just shivered like crazy when I got out. I eventually took my temperature, and I have a low fever–99.6. I feel nauseous, my throat hurts, and I’m having pains in both the left and right side of my upper abdomen. They’re not too severe, but noticeable. I don’t know what’s going on. I had been doing a lot better with the mono before this, but maybe the sleep deprivation has run me down and the infection is getting bad again. I’m so sick of this–this is the third time I’ve had mono! People say that you can’t get it more than once, but I am living proof that it is definitely possible. Gahh, I don’t know. Maybe it’s not the mono. Maybe I’m getting sick with something else on top of it, I have no idea–all I know is that I feel pretty terrible. For all I know, it may be an effect of the antipsychotic withdrawal; some people report flu-like effects. The only thing I did out of the ordinary today was to take 5 capsules of valerian root (maximum recommended dose) for anxiety in an effort to avoid taking xanax. It didn’t really do much except make my hands shake, and I don’t think it could have made me sick like this. This shit needs to end. I just want to feel good. I have no appetite, I have barely eaten for days. Eating is already so hard and unpleasant because of all the vyvanse I take, this is just making it even worse. On a positive note, my doctor has mailed me a script for 40 mg vyvanse, so, as soon as it arrives, I can get down from the 50 mg I take now. One step closer to getting off this poison, and maybe, just maybe, having a normal blood pressure and pulse reading. Every doctor I go to is completely shocked and worried by it. Everyone says I’m about 30 years too young and many pounds too light to have readings like I do. I’m positive it’s the vyvanse, it has to be. I’m afraid I’m just going to drop dead one day. Getting off of it is such a painfully slow process, I can only go down 10 mg per month or I’ll have terrible withdrawals. I just can’t deal with any more withdrawals on top of the ones I’m already experiencing from geodon right now.
The only thing making this better right now is my little 8-week-old kitten, who is just so gosh darn cute that it’s hard to feel anything negative in his presence. He’s like a tiny, fuzzy ball of therapy.

Crossing my fingers for a miracle to happen and for me to somehow get a full night’s sleep tonight, and for my fever and abdominal pains to be gone tomorrow. Le sigh.

-j.

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