Sitting in the dark, praying to something

I don’t usually pray.  I wouldn’t consider myself religious, though I am very spiritual.  Sometimes I kind of send thoughts out to the universe, but I wouldn’t really call it praying to any sort of deity.  I think I do believe in some power of the universe beyond myself–like karma and things like that.  I’ve studied a lot of Eastern religions, so I guess my own personal views align more closely with some amalgam of Buddhism and Hinduism than any other religion, but, again, I don’t identify with anything specific.  Anyway, I digress:

I am totally praying right now.  Like, full out hands clasped (well, before I started typing), the whole nine yards.  Only I’m not kneeling, because I’m on the computer, but I totally would be.  I’m praying like hell.  To god, to whoever, or whatever may be out there listening, to please just let me sleep tonight.  Not only can I not function on another night of no sleep, I also have mono right now, and need sleep to recover.  If you’ve ever had mono, you’ll know that sleeping is pretty much all you want to do.  I am here to tell you, my friends, that the insomnia caused by geodon withdrawals is more powerful than the urge to sleep brought on by an active case of mono–god I hate this drug so much.

I’m sitting in the dark to try and encourage my body to produce melatonin to make me sleepy.  I also just took a hot bath with all the lights turned off for the same reason.  I also took a quarter of a 1 mg tablet of melatonin.  I read that if you take too high a dose, it can have the opposite effect–melatonin-induced insomnia sounds like my ultimate nightmare right about now.  Hopefully that might help, I don’t know.  I’m used to things like ambien, lunesta, and those wonderful shots in the asscheek they give you in the psych ward that send you instantly into hours of blissful oblivion (I think they may have been shots of geodon, though, agh!).  I’m not used to trying natural things, and have no idea if it’ll work. I am also armed with valerian root if needed, though I don’t know if that’ll do anything either.  I also caved and took a xanax xr several hours ago.  Baaaad, I know, but I took it because I thought I was about to have a heart attack.  I am able to recognize that as anxiety and nip it in the bud before it turns into full-out panic and I call an ambulance because I think I’m dying, even though I’m not.  Gahh I know this isn’t exactly completely natural as I had hoped, but as long as I’m getting off the geodon, I can handle taking some supplements temporarily–as long as they don’t give me a hangover, make me fat, or get me addicted then we’re good.  Okay, I should shut off the computer.  The light is probably interfering with my melatonin production.  Okay, maybe I’m being paranoid, but whatever, I just really need sleep.  It’s only 9:33 pm–if I can fall asleep within the next few hours, tomorrow may be looking up.

As always, the fight continues.  Hoping for a better, less delirious tomorrow.

love, j.

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